Saturday, May 26, 2012

Memorial Day Weekend -- Day One

I kicked off this three day "Holiday Weekend" by working all day Friday. I came home, put dinner in the oven, drove my daughter to meet her friends, popped into the grocery store, and made it home to feed myself and the boy. Two beers later, I fell asleep at 9:30 to PBS. Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaa! Hard to imagine how I could possibly top that, but I gave it a try today: I was at work by 8:30. Ha! Bet you didn't see that coming. At least I was at work in shorts and flip flops. Four hours later, I headed home, got the kids, took them to lunch and then began a four hour pilgrimage in support of my daughter's quest for the "perfect" bathing suit. So here's the thing.... The perfect bathing suit (for MY daughter) does not exist. She's a size four, has red hair and she didn't want a bikini or anything that was low cut. There are very very few one piece bathing suits in that size. The ones we did find were all red!!!! The next few hours were a blur of dressing roms and Lycra. At about the exact moment where I was contemplating putting a shopping bag over my head and calling it a day I hear these words of salvation "well, I GUESS this one is okaaaaaaaaaaaaaay." I literally race to the register, without even having asked her to model it for me. I don't actually care how it looks. I am throwing credit cards at the cashier. It costs as much as my car payment? Sure, sure, fine. Whatever. THIS suit works. She LIKES it. We can STOP looking now! It wasn't until I was half way home that I realize I have totally been had. The last time I spent that much money on an article of clothing, and it has been a long time, was for boots. Boots that, I have to point it, make me look like I am 30 (and therefore are more "therapeutic aid" than they are "clothing.") At that point it was almost 6:00 p.m. Dinner for all followed by two beers, followed by mowing the back yard. (yes, Mr. Surgeon General, I do realize that was backwards.....operate heavy equipment THEN drink the beers.) It is 9:30.....and the only reason why I haven't fallen asleep to PBS yet is because I am typing. Maybe tomorrow will be more festive. I'm cautiously optimi..............

Friday, May 18, 2012

Random crap and the reason why I haven't posted for a while

Close your eyes.  Imagine me, at a desk, surrounded with piles of paper with things like "DEADLINE YESTERDAY" written on them.  Imagine the phone ringing off the hook, an admin vacancy, and impending IT vacancy, a boss (who I LOVE so it's all okay in the end) who tells when me to schedule things for her and then asks my why on earth I've scheduled something then because obviously she's unavailable, imagine lots and lots of numbers, in columns, on spreadsheets, imagine lovely people in other countries, calling me and using increasingly high pitched tones to express their panic over the fact that I have not secured their immigration documents.

Imagine me saying this a lot:

"No, I did not know that.  In fact, I had no idea that......

  • You were actually starting work this week and we haven't processed your license
  • That employee left the company 5 weeks ago and I wasn't notified so I've been paying him and now I need to somehow get that back
  • The safety measures we enacted have been circumvented
  • Your last day is actually next week and not next month
  • There isn't enough parking to go around and I have to decide who has to take a bus from the satellite lots
I'm thinking that this would all be much more easily managed if they replaced the water cooler at the end of the hall with a vodka cooler. 

On a positive note, I have "officially" begun my marathon training (for next the "official" training looks no different than the "unofficial" little jogs that constitute my current regimen, but it FEELS different, which is fun) AND the weather has been PERFECT. 

This current state of affairs will continue, sadly, into the beginning of July.

Will do my best to stay current.  And sober.

Dear Google

I love you.  Really, I do.  But PLEASE stop asking me for my effing cell phone number every time I log in.

You're starting to become almost as annoying as my bank, where I have this conversation every time I'm at the window.  (To anyone under 25:  the "window" is the place INSIDE the building, where there's a person called a "Teller", and where you can conduct "transactions" like, getting cash, depositing cash, etc. in person, without having to push any buttons, or sit in a long line of traffic.)

Teller:  Hello!  Welcome to (Shall Remain Nameless So It Doesn't Constitute Slander) Bank, how may I serve you?  (Which IMMEDIATELY and ALWAYS makes me want to ask for a vodka tonic, so I hesitate for a second)

Me:  Hi, I'd like to cash this check please.  (Under 25s:  A check is a special piece of paper, that you fill out and sign that allows you to get money out of your account without using a piece of plastic or pushing any buttons)

Teller:  Great, I am happy to help you with that.  Please swipe your debit card in the machine here.

Me:  I don't have a debit card, here is my license.

Teller:  ...................... You don't HAVE a debit card?

Me:  No

Teller:  Well, let's get you a debit card!

Me:  I don't need a debit card, thank you.

Teller:  .....................................You don't NEED a debit card? 

Me:  Nope, I would never use it.

Teller:  Oh, well, it would make all of your transactions so much easier!  You need a debit card!  You could just SWIPE the card into the machine when you come in to cash checks!

Me:  But I don't need a debit card to cash a check.  I signed the check.  I'm showing you my drivers license, that's all I need to do to cash my check, RIGHT?

Teller:  (At this point in the conversation, for some reason, this is suddenly a personal affront to the Teller who gets a little bit indignant and huffy, pauses for a second, and then says, snarkily....) Well, of course, but how do you use the ATM?

Me:  I don't use the ATM.  I just cash checks.  It keeps me from spending money too quickly.  I really don't want a debit card.  Thank you.

Teller:  ...........................................................You don't WANT a debit card? 

And then the Teller and I have this little staring contest, until she finally sighs, heavily and cashes my check.

The irony in all of this is that the transaction, would, certainly have been much quicker if I had a debit card that I could have just freaking swiped and avoided this showdown and the Bank-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless (BANK OF AMERICA) Corral.  I have, actually, finally trained one certain Teller to the point where she says (loudly of course, as if I'm 14 and buying condoms) before I even get to her little window "I know, I know, you don't WAAAAAANT a debit card, hahahahahaha."    hmmmpf

So.  That's a long way of saying, Dear Google, that I'm pretty sure I can just stare you down on this issue, so it's in all of our interests for you to stop asking for my cell phone number just in case my email account is disabled.  I'm on to you.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Airport Observations

Airports are so REAL.  Such a microcosm for the planet.  You see the oddest things, and yet, somehow, they seem just totally representative of our culture somehow, in a way that makes me just say "oh" and "huh" instead of "WTF?"

Some examples:

People in public in various states of pajamas.  I see this a lot, and while it is understandable, still, we are in public folks.

The woman in the row in front of me who decided to do a last minute makeup/hair touch up....only when she teased her hair (you really couldn't call it brushing, since it completely went against the grain) it just left the whole thing full of static and all the hair stood up on end.  Only, because she couldn't see it, she had no idea.

A very attractive( and slightly older than I) man in the gate waiting area, who, upon closer inspection, was crying while he was talking on the phone.  As he was close enough to me, it wasn't REALLY eavesdropping.....he was cancelling his entire schedule with people for the next week because his son had just died.  I've been there.  In the airport, crying, in shock and on my way somewhere I had no intention of going because someone was dead.  My heart went out to him.

Lots and lots of REALLY HIGH heels.  This seems to just be a "thing" at the moment, especially in California apparently.  I mean absurdly, stupidly high. 

Fanny Packs. I'm still not sure these are okay. Even in a travel setting.

I've just endured my third turbulent flight in a row.  This one was the most thus far.  I am, therefore, inebriated, because the thought of having to immediately get on the last flight of the day and head back up THERE made me contemplate walking the 100 miles to my next destination instead.

Vodka to the rescue.  I love you Vodka!