Friday, December 30, 2011

I'm in a reposting mood.....

If you would like to spend a couple of  hours feeling inspired:

I love the Dalai Lama.  He has such a charming sense of playfulness and humility.  I count among my list of "noteworthy moments" in life the fact that I got to see him in person a number of years ago. 


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

If I wanted to network socially I'd call you

I'm about to close my Facebook account.  Again.  I closed it for about 6 months last year.  It was great, I really enjoyed being Facebook-free (except for the part where everyone gave me such a hard time about being anti-social).  The reality is that it's a HUUUUUUUUUUGE time waster for me, which is, frankly, criminal, considering how much there is that I would like to be doing and home much there is that I should be doing.

Facebook is useful for a writing project I'm doing, but it's a seasonal project (the season of warmer weather), so I think I'll just wrap it up and put it on a shelf for a little while and then dust it off again in the spring.

Not so secretly, I also get a little perverse satisfaction about pulling the plug to spite my friends who are rabid facebookers.  "Well!"  said one to me "We just won't be able to keep up our friendship if you aren't on Facebook....that's the only way I communicate with people."  Really?  Uh.  Okay.  Love ya, bye! 

I'm just too easily distracted these days.  I don't need another excuse to lose focus. 

That's not my New Year's Resolution....just in case you're still thinking about it.  :)

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Festivities and fluid retention

Who knew you could deep fry country ham?  Well. you can, you know.  And it is delicious.  But just in case you've never tried this little delicacy, I must warn you...when you wake up the next morning you cannot bend your fingers and your shoes will not fit because you are retaining so much fluid you can barely move.

The jury is still out on whether or not it was worth it.

I had a good Christmas, thanks for asking.  It went something like this:

Christmas Eve Day
8:00 a.m. run with friends
10:00 a.m. brunch with same friends (way more fun than the run) (drank bloody caesars....which are like bloody marys only with Clamato juice instead of regular tomato juice, ommmnomnom)
12:00 p.m. mad last minute dash to grocery store (not pretty as I am horrible at drunk-shopping.  example: I go into the store for MILK, BUTTER, SWISS CHEESE and I come out with Eggnog, anchovies, spray cheese and 2lbs of shrimp.  WTH?)
2:00 p.m. cocktail party chez good friends currently on verge of divorce (drank several glasses of wine just to cut the edge off of the awkwardness)
4:00 p.m. stopped by the bar to pick daughter up after her shift (props to her for keeping it together because no one wants to work Christmas Eve day.)  The restaurant closed at 4:00 that day.  Apparently (I heard this from the bartenders who were still laughing about it when I got there) she had the following conversation with a potential patron on the phone at 3:45:

Caller:  Hello, we would like to make a reservation for tomorrow (CHRISTMAS) evening please.
Her:  I'm sorry, we're closed on Christmas.
Caller:  What?  You're closed tomorrow?
Her:  Yes, we're CLOSED tomorrow, it's Christmas!
Caller:  Well, where are we supposed to have dinner?  What else is open tomorrow?
Her:  I'm pretty sure 7-ll is open tomorrow.  Why don't you try there?
Caller:  (silence)
Her:  You have a nice holiday.  Buh-bye

heh heh heh

Back to my agenda:

5:00 Clean the house (because over my dead body will anyone open gifts in a dirty living room)
7:00  Make crucial decision.  More alcohol or nap?
7:05  Pour a glass of wine
7:15  Wrap packages
10:30 Leave for church
11:00 Hymns and Caroling
12:00 Mass
1:40 a.m. Completion of Mass
2:15 a.m.  Move all gifts out under tree
2:40  BED
5:30 a.m.  Husband wakes up
5:31 a.m. I wake up enough to realize it is Christmas and refrain from killing him
7:00 a.m.  Up, coffee, kids up, Christmas gift frenzy
12:00 p.m. Drive across town to BFF's house for Christmas meal (and the aforementioned deep fried ham, which is how this whole conversation got started!!!)

Whew!  In an attempt to atone for my sins, I spent yesterday powerwashing the deck with the hubster and trying (in vain) to repair a leaky toilet.  (tank and innards are strewn about my bathroom as I type this.  toilet, now tankless, can only be flushed with a bucket of water.  of course, i'm strangely fine with this arrangement, having grown up on a boat wherein that's how we did flush the toilet, so i'm a bit of a pro at this, but i'm irritated, nonetheless, that I could not achieve completion on this project and that the tank continues to leak, from a different spot now - natch,  in spite of my efforts.  grrrrr.)

It is almost a relief to be back at work today.  How pathetic is that?

Any guess what my new year's resolution is going to be?  I'll send anyone who gets it right a prize.  :)

Friday, December 23, 2011

The fruit of my womb

I walked into my bedroom to find this scene last night.  Boy and dogs lounging on my bed.  Boy is allowed there.  Dogs are not.

Boy looked up and said:

"We claim this bed for Spain!"

"Bring us your gold.  And your women."

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Holiday Greetings

Is that one hell of a family photo for the Christmas Card or WHAT?

Before you forget to look closely and think, perhaps, that this is my brood, it certainly is not.  This is the family of one Mitt Romney. 

I love this photo.  This photo makes me think "Awww, shit!  I really should have had more kids!"

I'm not really sure (other than Mitt and Mrs. Mitt) who is who, but there is so much going on in this photo, I'm not really sure where to start.

1.  How about all that coordinating fabric?  I know this is a family "thing."  I get plenty of family pics at the holidays with the obligatory matching jeans and white tees at the beach shots.  Why, truth be known, our family wore "matching" ensemble in our large group photo this year.  Of course it was all Red Sox gear, and my husband is on the end in shorts, and we didn't pay anyone to capture this humiliating honor, we just did it ourselves, but nonetheless, I recognize this is an accepted practice.  That being said, checks AND polka dots are a brave brave choice.

2.  The kids with the untucked shirt and the tongue hanging out are my favorites.  Followed closely by the kid on the end with both an untucked shirt AND the eyes askance.  Is there food over there?  A pony?  His potential betrothed?  We'll never know.

3.  This is a good looking family.  Seriously.  Not a bad looking member in the bunch.  Maybe that's what Silas is looking at out of the corner of his eye....the member who had to sit out b/c they just didn't measure up this year.  There is no acne, no one is fat, no bad haircuts, I mean who ARE these people?

4.  Can you spot the rebels in the bunch?  Every family has them.  My money is on the couple in stripes.  She looks reallllllly tightly wrapped.

5.  What is up with Mrs. Mitt?  RED?  Really?  If that doesn't scream "I'm the matriarch of this effing family, and don't any of you EVER forget that" well, I just don't know what does!

A couple of lingering thoughts on the topic.

Is there even room in the White House for all these people?  It would be cheaper, certainly, to just keep the Obamas (from a food expense standpoint).  These kids have got to be able to put away some Cheerios.

At some point do we all need to have a collective conversation about the number of people on the planet VS the available resources?

Just asking.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Tell your friend Veronica

It's time to celebrate Hanukkah!  Thank you Adam Sandler....your ode to the Jewish Holiday is an essential part of my Christian Holiday. 

Just in case you haven't seen it yet this season.....

Good Stuff!

My daughter is at home making stollen.  I LOVE stollen, but rarely buy it because of how freaking expensive (and fattening) it is.  I realized, however, last night, exactly why it is so expensive .... of the 20 ingredients on the list, cardamom powder alone is $10 (for a jar the size of my night cream.)  Holy Crow!  But I'm sure it will be delish. 

Should you have nothing better to do over the next few weeks, may I recommend a few movies?  These first ones happen to be of the documentary variety.

Life in a Day 
(which you can actually watch in its entirety on the interweb)
Life in a Day
(p.s.  this is not a great movie for kids...because it is a compilation of people's actual lives on a given day last summer, there is some footage of a few visceral events, including the slaughter of a few animals.  hard to watch, just a warning, in case you have trouble with that kind of stuff.)

Waiting for Superman
(which is an eye opening documentary on the state of education in this country.  a perfectly acceptable movie choice for middle schoolers and up, though I suspect they'll get bored.)
Waiting for Superman

This next one I enjoyed, and am glad I watched, if only because it was challenging.  It's been out a while, and I'd just never seen it, but it's a fascinating (in that slow motion train wreck sort of way) and different look at the Third Reich.  I watched it with my teenagers. 


While we are on the topic of movies....I have a few personal faves in the Christmas movie department.  Topping the list is actually ELF.   Another fave, that you never see anymore is the 1995 Home for the Holidays with Holly Hunter and Anne Bancroft.  Home for the Holidays

Another favorite of the dysfunctional family Christmas variety is The Family Stone.
Dermott Mulroney can do no wrong in my book.

And then last, but not least, is Millions which is just a wonderful movie.  Great for kids, except that if you're not practiced at British accents, it can be a bit challenging at times, but still worth the effort. 

Okay, enough for now.  Believe it or not, I'm actually supposed to be WORKING today.  oops!


Friday, December 16, 2011

It's beginning to look a lot like......

Yes. C*H*R*I*S*T*M*A*S*  YAY!  I love Christmas.  I love that I'm home this year, with the fam.  We aren't going anywhere, and no one is coming our way either.  This is very very rare.  Like the blue moon of Christmases if you will.

Last night we celebrated with our bestest family friends.  Love them.  We exchanged gifts, ate too much, played a dorky game and drank too much champagne.  I'm on a bit of a prosecco kick.  Mmmmmmm.

Anyhoo.  Something about all that champagne made hostessing my office party a little challenging this afternoon.  And if that weren't bad enough, my phone rang off the hook the whole time with serious HR issues (WTF?  Is everyone imploding today?) so I kept having to excuse myself from the party to go close my door and talk someone off of a ledge.  That shit is exhausting.  Ho Ho hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The highlight came, however, when my former boss, whom I adore, and who is suffering a broken foot currently from a "sports injury" (he tripped over his dog) called me to see if I would take him Christmas shopping tomorrow (since he can't drive and I'm pretty sure his wife is about to kill him).  We agreed that I did not have to be completely sober for this activity so I readily agreed.  What's not to love about shopping for Christmas on the last Saturday before Christmas, with a jewish gimp when you've got a good buzz on?  I can't wait!!!

I'll let you know how that all turns out!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Embarrassing moments involving my hooha (i couldn't think of a catchier title)

I have adopted a theory (I say "adopted" instead of "developed" because I'm sure it's not original) that things happen in threes.  Not all things, clearly or I have one more child and two more husbands, but some things.  Like, for example, death.  Death always seems to happen in threes.  Illness, likewise, in threes.  Recently, I've had a trio of embarrassing moments which I'm hoping to process here, by admitting them to the universe, in order to be able to let them go.

I must mention, firstly, that I don't have a lot of embarrassing moments.  Whew.  As I'm not one to put myself totally OUT THERE, as it were, I have managed to mitigate the risk.  I'm a 4th row bus rider, and middle of the pack party goer, etc....we generally blend in to life enough to avoid taking big risks and therefore are safe from having the opportunities for massive eff-ups.

Sometimes, however, embarrassing moments just seem to find you.  I guess it was my turn.

1.  While at a road race recently, I (along with majority of my running compatriots) partook of that pre-race necessity that is spending a little anxiety time in the port a potty.   I know we've all had the pleasure of partaking of the pots in our lives, but there is something singularly unique about a pre-run pit stop, in that you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, before it's your turn on the throne, what awaits you in there.  EVERYONE is nervous.  Do the math.  Anyhoo.  The embarrassing moment came when, as I was "done" but not quite trussed back up after my little spell in the portable toilette, that it turned out the door was not actually locked.  So there's that ignisecond where the door opens, you look out, everyone looks in, the door closes.  And then there's that much longer ignilifeflashingbeforeyousecond where you think "Maybe I can just stay here, safe, in my little portapotty  and never come out and then no one will know it was me...and I'll never have to see those people again."  Of course, staying in the portapotty is worse than the shame that awaits me when I leave, so, here I am writing this from the comfort of my desk as opposed to dead at the beach in a warehouse of portapotties somewhere.

2.  The second moment also involves my hooha....sadly....which means this is looking like a trend.  I was at the gym last night, post workout, post shower, getting dressed in the LADIES LOCKER ROOM.  (Can I just stop there because you already know, dear reader, where this is going???)  Yes, well, the "other" entrance to the locker room is from the pool side of the facility.  The entrance to the ladies and men's rooms from the pool are right next to one another.  One could, conceivably, get those two open doorways mixed up.  (Sans glasses and sans basic observational instincts...which, we know, is an issue in the male population). So, to save you the suspense, yes, I was surprised by a geographically challenged member of the opposite sex as I attempted to put my clothes on.  The upside is that there was a woman between him and me, and I had my hair in a towel and no makeup on, so the chances he'll recognize me again are only about 60% I figure (sadly I don't clean up that well, regardless of the hair drying and the makeup).  The downside is I'm not sure how long he stood there trying to figure out why nothing (including my ass) looked familiar to him before I saw him and started to splutter.  Yes.  I spluttered.  I didn't say anything useful like "GET OUT!"  I just spluttered.  ugh. 

3.  The THIRD experience sort of involved a hooha...only it wasn't mine, and not directly.  This is a mistake I've never made (thought it's been done to me which magnifies my chagrin) but I bumped into a doctor colleague in the hallway recently and said "Oh!  When is you baby due?"  Of course she'd delivered several weeks prior.  ugh. ugh. ugh!!!  (At LEAST she wasn't NOT pregnant...that would have been worse, I suppose, but this was pretty bad and now she must hate me and I cannot blame her.)

I hope, dearest God in Heaven, that I'm done with embarrassing moments.  Third time's the charm and all that and now I can move on about my business worry free.  But, truth be told, I have a bad feeling about this.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Planning ahead

Greetings and Happy Monday!

I'm beginning to consider possibilities for this year's New Years Resolution List.

Here is item NUMERO UNO for consideration:

I resolve to stop pretending that I am not talking to myself (pretty much all the time.)

Sadly, I do have a running monologue with myself from sun up to sun down (and then some).

I was only offhandedly considering this, truth be told, and it just popped out of my mouth a few moments ago.  "You know what" I said to myself "I think it's time I just stopped pretending that I'm not talking to out loud to myself."  As I sat here contemplating the idea, a voice said to me "Oh, thank GOD."

The voice happens to belong to my assistant, who sits just outside my door, and, obviously well within earshot.

"What do you mean?"  I asked him.

"Well, I can hear you talking in there, like, all the time, but I never know if you're talking to you, or to me, and whether I should respond, or pretend I can't hear you.  It's very confusing."


Who knew?????  Isn't he just the best?  All these months he could have said "SHUT THE HELL UP IN THERE!"  But he hasn't.  He's just played along, as if the fact that I'm a total crazy person is just our little secret.  (Fortunately he's already slated for a raise.)

"Oh!  So, if I just admitted that I'm only and always just talking to myself unless I say your name first, then you could just ignore me completely?"

"Yes"  he said "that would be awesome."

So, while this resolution, may not result in trees planted in the forest or a village full of shoes, definitely has at least some small impact in my very tiny corner of the world (my office). 

Definitely worth considering.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

What up?

Hey, it's me.  I'm back.

So.  A couple of things.

1.  Dear Google,

Please STOP ASKING ME FOR MY CELL PHONE NUMBER every time I try to log in to my email.  I am not going to forget my password and I HIGHLY DOUBT that my account will be "highjacked."  Really?  If you want my cell phone so you can sell it to the world, then just be honest and tell me that's why you want it.  Eff Off!   xoxoxoxox

2.  Dear Incredibly Honest, Sweet, and Kind undergrad who found my wallet and returned it to me:

I LOVE LOVE LOVE you and hope that the planet blesses you with some amazing opportunity in the near future.  xoxox

3.  Dear Holiday Drivers:



4. This was too good not to share. I am organizing a little holiday card effort from my office to a number of colleagues within my institution, without whose assistance and good will, our mission would be seriously hampered. Yes, I know I cannot send cards with Santas, or Christmas trees....I don't not completely live under a rock. Yes, I am a good company girl, and I did, as suggested, send a little email to our Marketing Dept just to make certain that I wasn't violating any "rules." Turns out that our little Commonwealth has "policies about holiday cards." (Of course it does). And, as it turns out, to summarize, the policy is you can't send any because you can spend state funds on them. Okay fine. I'll buy the damned cards myself. Further, the policy says that sending the cards through the internal mail system would be construed as a misuse of state funds. Harrrumpf! So, I'm going to have to resort to using the interweb to spread my holiday cheer. What do you think about this as a greeting?

Happy E-Holiday of your E-Choice from my E-mail to yours.

Warm, fuzzy, seasonal? I'll make sure I send one to the Governor as well.

5.  Do you read McSweeney's online journal? It's terribly terribly clever, and, as I warned my husband, the kind of place where once you get started, you get lost, like falling down the proverbial rabbit hole, and by the time you finally surface, you've been glued to your monitor for, like 16 hours, you've peed yourself, you're starving, and the cleaning lady has vacuumed around you twice, only the second time she did it from a further distance because you're starting to smell a bit. Goooood Stuff   McSweeney's

That should keep you busy until I can post again.