Monday, August 9, 2010

So I discovered that Pop Tart is opening a retail outlet in Times Square. I'm sure "retail outlet" does not do it justice, as it appears to be part museum, part snack bar, part theme park. But in any event, it made me happy. I LOVE PopTarts.

To quote:

The focal point of the store, which opens Tuesday, is the cafe. It will serve about 30 snacks and desserts.

The menu includes the Fluffer Butter, marshmallow spread sandwiched between two Pop-Tarts frosted fudge pastries; the Sticky Cinna Munchies, cinnamon rolls topped with cream-cheese icing and chunks of Pop-Tarts cinnamon-roll variety; and Ants on a Log?, which is celery, peanut butter and chunks of the Wild Grape version.

And then there’s the Pop-Tarts Sushi, three kinds of Pop-Tarts minced and then wrapped in a fruit roll-up. “We did an internal tasting here at the building, and it was the winner,” said Etienne Patout, senior director at the Pop-Tarts brand, part of the Kellogg Company.

Wowie Kazowie! Pop Tart Sushi?!!?! This is everything horrible and wonderful that I love about America all rolled up (no pun) into one! I love the unadulterated celebration of a product that, really, hardly even qualifies as FOOD and yet, is marketed as a breakfast meal without any sort of embarrasment on the part of Kellog. There is NOTHING about PopTarts that is good for you, and, sorry if this is any sort of spoiler alert, but PopTarts are actually bad for you. "Toaster Pastries" Really? Pastries are not good for you. The only good part of that is the "toaster" I suppose, but we all know that the whole point of putting the tart into the toaster in the first place is so that you can spread butter on it when it emerges piping hot. It may actually be a toss up which is worse for you, Hot Pockets or Pop Tarts and that is just not saying much now, is it?

But that's okay, because in America we can pretend this this information is somehow both shocking and maybe, just not even true, and we can proceed with the party hats and streamers because, PopTarts taste good and dammit, they are just really really fun!

I, am a PopTart purist, preferring the unfrosted fruit tarts (blueberry and strawberry and cherry, though I no longer seem to be able to find the unfrosted cherry anywhere), I think the frosting is really just gilding the lily, if you will, so I don't see the point.

I have, back in the day, actually served PopTarts as an appetizer and as an hors'd'oeurve....they're just so cute and handy, in their foil wrappers. Oh, and we know that they come in two packs, right, because you can't eat just ONE! Come on now. That's just silly. You'd have to put the other one in a baggie or something and then it just looses all of it fancy freshness.

In the face of staggering obesity statistics in this country, I want to commend Kellogg for this feat of marketing genius. Diabetes be dammed, I want to build my own PopTart Sundae....and I want to build it NOW!!!!

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