Friday, December 24, 2010

Holiday Travel Rules # 2

Rule Number Eight

8. GPS is cute, and awesome when it works. Always have a map handy, just in case.

For example: You're in the middle of Narnia, trying to find your way back to the Wardrobe, and you discover that "Andy" (your Android GPS narrator) keeps referring to the street you're on as some name that is completely at odds with the street signs, and you and your significant other begin to "discuss" that perhaps Andy is cracked, and one of you (not you, him) should maybe have brought a map, since that's normally how you you roll, and this argument distracts you to the point where you are so frustrated you neglect to look left before turning out into the intersection in front of that mini-van...... (FYI, traffic officers do not find it amusing that you keep insisting that it is Andy who should get the ticket.)

Rule Number Nine

9. Do not feel guilty making your children put on clean clothes and forcing them to accompany you to Christmas Eve Church services.

They owe you. They will always owe you. This is reason enough. If, however, this isn't enough ammunition, remind them that you gave them life and you can damn well take it away. When all else fails, remind them that YOU ARE Santa Claus and you don't have any problem yanking every damn present from under that tree and they can just sit in their rooms on Christmas morning.

Conversation with 14 y.o. son, upon entering church and being handed the program and the candle:

Him: Candles? Are we going to get to light these?

Me: Yes, of course.

Him: Sweet! This service just got a whole lot more interesting.

Glaring, rib nudging, tuning your son out when he keeps muttering "Praise be to Cthulu" threatening, bribing, it's all worth it to look down the aisle and see the babies you gave birth to rolling their eyes on Christmas eve. That's the reason for the season, people.

Merry Almost Christmas!

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