Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Horrible, shocking self-discovery

I am totally and completely addicted to caffeine. 

Here's how I know this.

I had to have a "Biometric Screening" done this morning.  That's a fancy way of telling you that you're going to have to stand on the scale, give up some blood and get an admonishing look from a nurse when she tells you what your cholesterol numbers are.  Now, this particular screening was free, which was great, since I just had one done for my daughter, and I paid $150 out of pocket for the part that her insurance didn't cover, so I was all over it.  In any event, you have to FAST in order to get an accurate reading.  And the appointment was at 9:40 a.m.

A.  I woke up grumpy and anxious because I knew I couldn't have coffee (well, I could have, except I can't drink my coffee without milk, so therefore I couldn't).  Apparently I bit almost every one's head off at home.  They scattered the minute they realized what was happening.  Self-preservation is a strong instinct in my gene pool, thank goodness.

B.  I somehow made it to work without running off the road or killing anyone.  I even navigated the parking garage which is a complete and total clusterF***.

C.  I got the absolute DUMBEST, most IDIOTIC, INANE, INFANTILE emails between 8:00 and 9:30 a.m. this morning.

And then, it dawned on me.  It wasn't that those emails were more idiotic than normal, it's just that WITH caffeine, I am better equipped to respond without actually telling people how stupid I think they are being.  Caffeine is a tool, without which I cannot deal with the sad sad reality of life.

Wow.  Huge light dawning over cloudy skies.  Ironically, this does not make me want to give up caffeine.  In fact, this makes me want to drive to the grocery store, buy every bag of java they have and start a stockpile in my basement because I am going to be in big big big trouble if ever I run out of coffee. 

Yes, that's right Jack Nicholson, I just can't handle the truth.  And I'm okay with that.


p.s.  It turns out that (aside from the aforementioned issue) I'm REALLY REALLY healthy.  ha!


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