Thursday, December 30, 2010


Depending on where you live you may or not be aware that Magnolia Meadow is in the throes of a stink bug invasion this year. We're not alone, as evidenced by the fact that it made national news and there's even a funny Facebook page for the Stinkbug Overlords.

At first it was weird. Then funny. Then annoying, and then just plain ridiculous. These bugs are everywhere. My house is full of them. And by full I mean that if I lie on my bed and just wait, I can usually see at least two crawling around my room somewhere. All the time.

I went along just killing them as I saw them at first. This required some experimentation and innovation since, when you scare or kill them, they emit a nasty odor, so you sort of have to sneak up on them and "dispose" of them without killing them. You cannot vaccuum them up live, because they stink in the vacuum bag, which, as you know gets hot, and only increases the stink factor.

I resorted to a fairly successful (though time and resource consuming) bait and switch method:

Me: Oh! Hello little bug friend, how are you?

Bug: Super, thanks, just enjoying nomming on the tip of your toothbrush here.

Me: Yes, well, that looks like fun, and I'm happy to just boil that toothbrush before I use it next, really, no problem there, but I thought you might want to join me by the pool!

Bug: Pool?

Me: Oh yes, you see, I have a little space all staked out over there by the paddling pool...there's a couple of chaise lounges by the cabana, with snacks and stuff. There's even a sexy little cabana beetle and a bunch of your friends are already there!

Bug: Well, you know I can't swim, but I could use a snack and I sure haven't seen much action around here, so it's tempting.

Me: Yeah, cool, no, I'll just plop you into a chair by the side, no worries about the water.

Bug: Oh, well, okay, maybe I'll wander over there later.

Me: Sure, you could do that, but you know what? I'm headed that way, let me just give you a lift, save you the crawling! Really, it's not trouble.

Bug: What the hell, let's go.

So, up he goes onto my soft little tissue chariot and we head for the pool all nonchalant like.

Bug: Hey, I don't see any of my friends over here, I thought you said....

All of a sudden I stumble, (or trip on a carcass or something) and Mr. Stink bug goes flying riiiiiiight into the pool.

Me: Oh NOooooo! I'm SO SORRY!

Bug (looking around at the other "swimmers" in the pool): Hey, guys! Wait, what the he.....blub blub blub......

And the rest is history. Only, here's the thing. You have to stand there and watch while the pool "drains" because I kid you not, sometimes they resurface! Too much.

I see no end in sight here and I'm just about at my wits end. I clean, I keep windows closed, I clean some more, but they just keep appearing. This morning I was brushing my teeth (I now keep my toothbrush locked away, under cover in a bug-free zone) and I looked down at the plastic handle on my sink (the one you pull up to get the water to come out) and wedged up INSIDE the faucet is a stink bug. Just sitting in there, eyeballing me, all "how YOU doin'?" As if he's just been waiting for me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh I'm on the verge of calling an exterminator except that two of the people I live with break out in hideous hives and spontaneous bloody noses if I so much as use Lysol on the counters, so a chemical solution to this problem is right out of the question. At least for now. Am otherwise open to suggestions here. Please.

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