Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Purging results in a few pearls

In a job I had a long time ago, I worked for a crazy person. I loved him, love him still, and he had reasons for being a crazy person, and considering what it was he did for a living, it kind of worked for him. And while there were moments of hair-pulling frustration, it provided HOURS of entertainment for me and was well worth it.

At one point, I played matchmaker for an assistant position between him and a colleague/friend, also a little nuts and who was a Vietnam veteran (which explains the former).
I thought that they would be a good match, working together…..but, apparently, I also thought that the situation needed some massaging, as I uncovered the following two emails I sent to each of them respectively. (I am purging today, which will likely uncover significant blog fodder).

The first email is the one I sent to my boss about “Bob”:

Reasons to hire Bob

Because, should the need arise:

1. He could commandeer the air ambulance and drop us behind enemy lines.

2. He could cook us a three course meal using a packet of ketchup and saltine crackers.

3. He could belly crawl past four secretaries, wait 17 hours behind a potted plant, kill any Division Head of your choosing with a spoon and retreat, completely undetected.

4. He could string your office with land mines in order to take care of those snooping colleagues.

5. He could dig down through the layers of crap in your office and find water.

6. If need be, he’s willing to just kill them all and let God sort it out.

7. He could rewire your PDA and make it a torture device to extract information from recalcitrant advisees.

8. Because it is really cool to have an assistant who packs a sidearm.

9. He can suture his own wounds (with dental floss.)

10. Because deep down inside of you, in places you don’t talk about at cocktail parties, you want Bob on that wall… NEED Bob on that wall.

Subsequently, I sent an email to Bob coaching him on his interview with my boss:

Suggestions for a successful interview

1. Do not respond to questions with “Sir! Yes Sir!”

2. Do not come dressed in full camo.

3. Do not, at any point, tell him to drop and give you twenty.

4. Please leave the sidearm at home.

5. Do not reenact any scenes from the Deer Hunter

6. Do not offer to kill his secretary with a paperclip

7. Do not show him your scars

8. Do not discuss God, politics or your mothers

9. Do not offer to hum a few bars of the Battle Hymn….

10. When leaving, use the door. Do not rappel from the window

For reasons I cannot remember they decided, mutually, not to work together. Huh. I hope it wasn’t something I said…..

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